When my mom passed away (1/29/11), my world was forever changed. I found myself with a lot of regret, shame and an overwhelming feeling of incompleteness. I wanted so desperately to have one more moment with her. I wished I could right my wrongs, give her a hug/kiss and see her smile. My mom was sick for so many years, but that didn't help soften the blow of her loss at all. Her passing still felt very sudden, unexpected and entirely too soon. So, I prayed and prayed and prayed, then, I prayed some more hoping, wishing and asking for a sign from her that there was life after death, that we'd meet again and during the interim, she was still connected to our family. I remember reading a ton of books about Heaven, near death experiences and grief. I was searching so desperately for proof that she could still see me from up there, see my kids, my dad, my life ... searching for proof that she could hear me when I talked to her picture saying all of the things I wish I'd said while she was still here. Eventually, I became best friends with Google in search of this "proof" too. I over analyzed dreams, read Bible verses and adamantly searched for a "sign" that could confirm it.
One day at the grocery store, Giant to be exact, a book that I hadn't stumbled upon before (few and far between at that point) caught my attention. It related to messages sent from Heaven. I picked up the book and randomly opened to a page that described the solace one mother found when her and her youngest daughter were walking in a field; they received a "sign" from her eldest daughter (who had passed away) in the form of a yellow butterfly. This sign reminded them that although not physically present, their loved one was still very much spiritually present. And, with that, they knew they could remain connected to her forever. As I digested their experience, my nose began to tingle, my eyes swelled with tears and a lump evolved in my throat. Reading such an inspiring story while still being in such complete shock and denial about the passing of my mom induced a mixture of envy and self-pity. Why wasn't my mom sending me a sign? Was it because she didn't want to? ... was it because she wasn't able to? ... was it because I wasnt deserving of one? Why? Why? Why? And then there I stood - in the middle of the grocery store crying uncontrollably staring at a book.
Later that night, while conversing with God and reflecting on my day, I struggled to articulate my thoughts and feelings, but knew He somehow understood. And again, as had been part of my forced "new normal," prayed for a sign from my mom. I wanted to know if she could still see me, if she could still hear me, if she knew I missed her - if she was in fact, spiritually connected to me. This time, I prayed differently than before. I don't know why, I just did. And, instead of asking God to send me a sign, I asked Him if He would allow my mom (if it was of her will of course) to be able to send me a sign herself letting me know she really was still there. At that point, completely intent on ensuring I would recognize a sign sent directly from her, I asked to receive my very own butterfly message. Mine was different though - I didn't want just a butterfly; I didn't want a yellow butterfly. Rather, I wanted a blue butterfly, blue just like the one she got tattooed on her forearm when I was little. A few nights later after crying myself to sleep and continuously focusing on my so desired blue butterfly message from Heaven, it happened . . . I dreamt of a beautiful blue butterfly!
At first my dream felt cryptic. The butterfly was actually a design on a ceiling fan. Considering how odd that was, I looked into it thinking maybe that random butterfly design was the creation of my over-active and hyper-focused imagination. I wondered, was that my sign? Was I looking into it? Was I driving myself insane? I tell you with the utmost of certainty - no, I wasn't. I am completely confident of that now. I soon started seeing blue butterflies everywhere. I noticed them as part of the decor in buildings, on apparel, in books, on websites, on greeting cards, etc.
I've come since to find my own solace through blue butterfly sightings. With them, I am kept grounded, humble and grateful. Thus, every blue butterfly in my life, has a very profound effect on the person I have become, as well as who I still hope to be.
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